Celeb-Pity

Sitting in the dentist’s waiting room I have a choice of Essex Homes or a glossy celebrity magazine to browse through to kill time. In hindsight, I should have opted at looking at maisonettes in Ockenden. Flicking through the pages of  ‘Empty Monthly’ really brought home the point. What a shallow world we live in! I became depressed. Of the 4 magazines I flicked through, there was not a single article of any worthiness. Not a single sentence worth reading. Not a single word over 3 syllables.

The focus of these magazines seems to be on the latest 15-minute celebrities. Big Brother is the theme of the more recent magazines. I kept asking myself ‘Why do they focus on THESE celebrities? Of all of the people in the World who have any distinguishable talent, the editor has chosen to do a piece on Pixie Chantel Smith, the lesbian, skinhead, Tourettes, nymph rocker from Skegness who has just been kicked out of the BB house’. Is it because Pixie has an in-depth philosophical outlook on life and our existential existence?

Then I had an epiphany. No…..it’s because their fame is in the grasp of everyone! You don’t need any concern-able talent to become part of THIS celeb club. In fact, talent would probably hold you back. Maureen from Driving School became a celebrity because she couldn’t drive. Jade Goody became famous as a ditsy blond who was slightly racist. These are hardly attributes that should be desirable, they are however easily attainable. So we have no talent and we’ve changed our name to Starbustron3000….what next?

Well, the remaining padding on these magazines is filled with pictures of gorgeous models to show us how we should look. There are even tips on how to achieve these glamorous looks. In case we were still in doubt about our credentials for becoming a celebrity the remaining sections are dedicated to making proper celebrities looking rough. ‘Anna Hathaway looks terrible here what a crap celebrity’…erm but isn’t she an actor with some discernible talent? Now we’re thinking ‘Wow they look like crap in the morning just like me! Ergo I can also be a celebrity!’

How depressing is this! I mean seriously, are we really meant to look up to these people? Be envious of these beings that would do anything to be the center of attention? I’m proposing a new magazine. It can still have glossy model pics, makeup, and fashion tips. However, all irrelevant talentless celebrity pieces will be replaced with actual celebrities giving interviews on how they became a great musician, author, artist….zoologist, etc… Anything with some level of merit. Come on ladies set your sights a little higher!