The Birth

I’ve given myself a month to get over the initial shock of the birth. Even now though the horrors of it all still haunt my dreams! I feel guilty for writing this as I was only a mere witness to the episode, while Hannah will show physical scars for some time.

It all started as I settled down for the Champions League encounter between Man U and Chelsea…typical! I downloaded a free contraction app to log the contractions. Bringing labour into the 21st century! Hannah would shout ‘now’ and I would start the app. A few dirty phone call impersonations later Hannah would say ‘stop‘. The contraction was logged and I could return to the game. However, these contractions were becoming closer and closer. Time to pack the bags. PSP? Check! Mars Bars? Check! my phone charger? Check..oh I almost forgot your overnight bag. This process was carried out in quite a calm manner. Another contraction was logged. My app tells me ‘This free app only allows 10 saved logs’ WHAT! Hannah and I have a little dispute and I inform her we haven’t got time to discuss my thriftiness. In the car and we were off. The match is still 0-0.

Hannah’s biggest fear was being sent home, for me there was another half of football to be watched so every cloud and all that. From here on in things snowballed. There was no chance of being sent home. Hannah was 5cm dilated, halfway there already. Her opening gambit was ‘GIVE ME EVERYTHING’ as she waddled into the maternity ward. Her pains seemed to be mainly in the back and for me, it was mainly in my ears. Then for the worst hour of my life, worse than when we lost at home to Wrexham on the last day of one of our relegation seasons. They hooked up Joshua to a monitor to check his heart rate. As they laid Hannah on her back I could see the rate on the monitor dropping dramatically. The midwife pressed a big red button on the wall. From experience, I know that big red buttons are rarely pressed to inform everyone that everything is ‘hunky dory’. A swarm of doctors and midwives rushed into the room. The doctor broke her waters with what looked like a crochet needle. They raised Hannah’s bed and I could see his heart rate start to raise again. By this point, the colour had drained out of my face. ‘Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m ok’ Hannah kindly said. I didn’t have the heart to say it was Joshua that concerned me. I think the Dr gave one of the midwives’s a Gary Lineker ‘have a word with him’ look. She informed me that his chord could have been wrapped around his neck so when Hannah had a contraction in that position it was choking him. At this point, we decided to call in her Mum. Man U 2 Chelsea 0 grrrrr!

The mother-in-law got there in quick time. We tagged team rubbing Hannah’s back and reassuring her. Apparently, the quicker you dilate the more painful it is. The average time is 1 cm per hour. Hannah did 5 in that time! The possibility of an emergency c-section meant they could only give Hannah gas and air for the pain. The pain must have been immense and I can concur that gas and air is useless. A few tokes on it caused me no decent side effects! When the Dr confirmed she was fully dilated he asked Hannah to push. She was happy to comply to hurry the process and in her words ‘get him out of me!’ Unfortunately, after several attempts, Joshua’s head wasn’t budging and his heart rate was up and down like the suspension on a prison’s nuptial caravan. It was decided the only option was a c-section and Hannah was told to stop pushing. Apparently, this was easier said than done. I can only imagine the urge must have been like the time I had some dodgy scampi and was stuck on the motorway.

Finally, we were prepped and readied and led to the theatre. The anaesthetist turned her onto her side and applied the spinal. Hannah literally turned from the snarling girl from The Exorcist into her normal self. ‘Aaarrrgggghhhh…Who sang this song?’ I made a mental note of the positive effects of the spinal, I wonder if you can get one on prescription? After that everything else was fairly smooth sailing. I peeked over the curtain to see our little grey screaming boy. I caught a glimpse of Hannah’s c-section opening and quickly sat down again. I was given Joshua to hold and at that point Take That’s The Greatest Day came on the radio. Perfectly set up for tears-Ville yet nothing came. I put it purely down to the stress. The only emotion running through me was relief. The Dr informed us there was a clot behind the baby that prevented Joshua from being delivered naturally. They wheeled Hannah out to Push It by Salt and Pepper…grrrr!

A few days later a tour of expectant Mums and Dads came to Hannah’s bed in the post-maternity ward. The tour guide stupidly asked ‘would you do it again?’ Hannah and I both gave the same short sharp response of ‘NO!’. The smiles on the mum’s faces had suddenly turned south. The tour guide gave us a look and quickly led everyone away.

We’re now all at home trying to get a routine going. Joshua is adorable and predictably the cutest baby ever. He was born 7lb 13oz and is now an incredible 10lb 15oz. He’s already growing too quickly! We look forward to every little development. The latest is a gurgle that sounds like the early signs of speech and smiles that aren’t purely wind-based. In the words of Bob Dylan, The times are a changing!